I need to set a few goals, because I am feeling rather goal-less at the moment. Oh, I have some immediate goals, like hoping to hook up with someone, but in general I feel like I am devoid of goals — the sort of feeling one sometimes gets if they are unemployed, though I am not unemployed.
I don’t want to simply pick some random goals to fill my time, I want meaningful goals. I believe my purchase of the Photoshop CS3 Bible a week ago was an early indication that I want goals. So, one small goal is to read that book and finally understand more nuances of the program I use all the time.
Another small goal that feels more like a task or a chore is to finish the reference section of someone else’s book, that they can’t finish themselves. I want to be paid to do that, though, and I recently had a discussion about how to do that on days when my office work has some free hours. So I suppose that can be done.
My decision to change my hair is actually contributing to my sense of having no clear goals. I feel free to experiment, which is partially pleasing and partially disturbing. It is disturbing because again it feels like the kind of thing one does when one is doing nothing at all. It is taking a risk (of looking silly) for no clear reason other than curiosity. Which I suppose just means I am not as comfortable experimenting as I should be. That I will do it anyway is a good sign of growth (but the nervousness about doing it is a character flaw).
On a form and function level, I need to work on my food:
I am finding it hard to get back into a set way of having dinner, after my several weeks of trying to shed a few extra pounds by having minimal dinners. In my opinion I now look a couple pounds underweight — my face looks too thin — and so I need to start having a regular dinner each day to gain a couple pounds. But since my spaghetti made me gain nearly 10 pounds, it can’t be spaghetti. What the heck did I eat for dinner before I made spaghetti… I recall opening the freezer… oh yeah, there was a time when I was eating these frozen Indian dishes. Not high on my list to start that again, as they were rather sugary, and too expensive. I guess soup until I figure out what to do…maybe 2 soups instead of 1. And I suppose I should make buying a cooked chicken more of a regular thing, though I hate for it to lose its sense of being special. Despite my intention to gain a couple pounds, I am actually pleased to find that I am no longer craving that sugary granola cereal. In fact I feel like I don’t want sugar at all. Even my Chocolate Odwalla, I don’t enjoy as much — though every time I have one I suspect it is because they’ve changed the recipe a bit, it feels thicker than it used to be.
I should add though that this is not a mood of depression. It has some of the characteristics of that, mainly the metaphor of floating around, but, I am not actually sad, nor am I dissatisfied. The lack of something exciting to view as a goal is simply an absence of bonus content, not a feeling that something is missing from life.
Looking outward for real-life reflections of my sense of being goal-less, I observed that this past weekend I went to Salvation Army and found nothing. I also went to Macys and found nothing. And I also found nothing at Marshalls but since I always find nothing at Marshalls that bit cannot count. Despite Marshalls, the symbolism was that there were no immediate short term goals (in the form of a piece of clothing) making themselves apparent.
I am however looking forward to having coffee with a friend. I will write more about that after the fact.