Ahrgh. Every once and awhile this kind of thing happens. The person who I work for wants a system created whereby he can know if I’ve accomplished what he’s asked me to do. I have no objection to this, but it bothers me to know that people are wondering if I’m doing my job. It gets me worrying about why they want to know. Because really, if they felt I was doing my job, why they heck would they want to know I was doing my job? It speaks to a fundamental distrust. May as well just slap me. I really do not like this whole “working” concept. But so far no winning lottery ticket. As soon as I do though, I am out of here. I mean out of work. I’d stay in Boulder.
Mostly I feel as if this job cannot last. I have no interest in the technical gobblygook that keeps their systems running. And their interest in this gobblygook is in conflict with my disinterest. They’re bound to sense that I don’t care if the Whatchamacallit Server is having problems with Port WhotheFuckCares.
Plus, every time I walk into the computer room, I fear that the fumes are going to give me cancer. They’ve got a dozen computers and a tower pouring out hot air from their vents – air that is driven across the computer chips, which are made of all kinds of heavy metals and deadly plastics. Not to mention the massive electromagnetic field that must be in that room. I have to walk into that room once a day, at a minimum, to check to see that all the computers are working (today, two of them aren’t). I dread walking into that room and breathing the foul hot air. I’d hold my breath but checking them takes too long.
Mostly I just look at the screens, notice that some of the computers aren’t working, and walk out again. I don’t know how to make the broken ones work again so it is not at all clear why they have me looking at them in the first place. I think I am some kind of placebo for the boss, someone who he can hope might be able to fix system problems, even though I can’t. Which raises the question, if he needed a tech support person, why didn’t he hire one of those instead? Does he want me to be someone I am not? Because you can kind of tell I am not a tech support person by my paycheck, which would be double what it is if I were a tech support person.
This reminds me I am supposed to write up my frets for his Life Coach. I haven’t felt like doing so because who wants to mull over bad stuff? But today I feel like mulling over bad stuff. So if I’m lucky I’ll still feel this way later on and will be able to do that.