That was the hardest decision I’ve had to make. I’ve decided I am not yet ready to leave Boulder, but I feel very sad about not being living with my friend because I also know that would have been the most heartwarming experience. It was the most I’ve been offered in this life, it’s true. Simply to live with her as roomies would have been awesome on so many levels. 🙁 She offered me something that normally only Gods offer — opportunity. Well, so for now, I have to be a God myself and try to make what I believe now will be my last year in Boulder mean something. I need to put myself out there more, go to clubs at night, chat people up, do whatever growing up I have to do so that the next time I have to consider changing my life, I will be be ready for it (and know I am ready for it — arguably I could have done it this time, but I didn’t *know* for sure I was ready for it, and without that certainty, I… it would have been a little premature.
So, I’m underemployed. I plan to wake up tomorrow and do web work freelance as if I was working normal hours. This will come as a relief to my clients. But it is only a short-term fix at best. Things remain uncertain. The only certain bit is I will try to eek out a little bit more of Boulder. Although no one will replace __, and we’re platonic I hasten to add lest people confuse the nature of our relationship, I do want someone to be with in Boulder, someone female who I like enough to want to sleep over and sleep over with. Whatever that term may be… something between friend, fuck-buddy, or whatever the current archetypes may be… People don’t realize I’m 40 years old. I’m 40 years old people, and single. (I’m probably good for anyone 27 on up…)
I have to determine what it is that I need to grow up about. It involves being an adult. I don’t know the parameters of it, and maybe that’s the point. That’s what I need to discover.