The effects of my trip are being felt strongly and clearly. I have a better sense of who I am, and perhaps how I express myself, a bit. For example I have decided, clearly, what tattoo I want — something I’d been unsure of for years. I feel more clearly who I am, and how I become who I am, partly, through physical expression in that way. Also I did a bit more laser but that’s “between you and me and the bedsheets”, as the prescient expression goes.
I was also astounded by how the pace of time changed with 9 days off. In 9 days it seems like I did so much, whereas on returning to my shared place, I see some dishes that are still where they were before I’d even left — not a complaint, but rather a symptom, I think, of how when one is working in a routine, one enters a sort of trance where one is simply letting the days click by like cogs in a wheel. And why is that? Because it is less painful to enter the trance than to let each day be measured as a full day, capable of so much more.
I feel like I am liberated a bit. I always have to add “a bit” because I feel the temptation to go back into the trance, and the worry about being too expressive… But I think I can find a new mixture, one in which there will be more done each day, in real personal terms, than before. (I may also have to give up reading news sites on the web, which I see took up too much of my time before, for no good reason.)
This is not a manic phase. I am not manic/depressive anyway, I just mention it because the awareness of life’s daily potential is usually so forcefully muted that to try to hold a different view is capable of being seen as being “off”. It is not off.