Oh my God, it sucks being agoraphobic. I am trying to plan my trip to visit my parents, and it involves a cross country airplane trip — and then another trip back across the country. So it’s not even like it is over when it is over, it happens again. I wish for the day when we can be cryogenically frozen and shipped by rail or something. I am also feeling exasperated at the question of if K wants me to visit her while I am there, and if so how I will manage to drive from my parents’ town to hers. I could just ask her, but part of being agoraphobic is feeling like it is all out of my control, and I’ll simply be lucky to be alive if I make it across the country. To ask or plan anything more than that seems to be pressing my luck.
At this time I plan to be gone from the 13th to the 19th, because that is when my boss is also taking off work, and is also by chance going to the same state, so that way I can at least get a ride to the airport when leaving Boulder. We have not bought tickets yet, but will any day now, probably tomorrow. I don’t know if I should sit near him or if that may make it (the fear) worse.
I already feel anxiety about how to get from my parents house to the airport for the return flight. I want to avoid rush hour, even though I won’t be driving. I don’t even want to be driven on highways during rush hour. It is all so complex, so confusing and so messy.
I hate traveling. I hate it more than anything I know of.
Why am I even going? I don’t remember. To see my parents I guess. If I could, I’d also be going to see K and her new child, but I haven’t heard from her in awhile so maybe she doesn’t want me to visit.
Object-wise, there’s nothing in storage at my parents house I really need to bring back… though I may ship one of my speakers back, a center-channel speaker that I like and have missed. Maybe a couple Farscape action figures. But I have no reason to ship all my stuff out here to Boulder because it is not as if I’ve met anyone, fallen in love, and am starting a house. If I had, then maybe I’d have that kind of purpose. But I don’t. So, I am going to visit my parents and maybe K if that is something she wants. If I sound angry I am angry at myself for not being more clear with myself.
It is almost not worth the pain of traveling. And by pain I mean fear, anxiety, heart palpitations, breathing difficulty, dizzyness, headache, everything. Sometimes I think I should not have moved from my home state, so that way I would not have as far to go when I want to visit. Why did I even move here? I got a job here, and I have a friend here, and I was going to move from my home state anyway — either to Boulder or maybe rainy Washington state, or Portland, or Boulder — all locations that are well-read and hip. If I hadn’t done any of those I’d have tried the Northampton area but a concern was that there’s no work there, and that it may be mostly students. And I’d have felt like a failure, to stay in the same state most of my life.
I have an idea: psychiatry flights. No chairs, just tons of people seated on the floor of the plane, group session, with a few psychiatrists there to help the process.
Do some people just fly and not think about it? Strange. Strange people.