Will Bueché

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Blurry moves

Posted in Personal by Will on Friday, April 29th, 2005 ~ 8pm

Boulder. Denver. Portland. Seattle. Vancouver (wait, is Vancouver in Canada?). These are some of the towns I am considering as places to move to and live in later this year. My scanning project, that is, my scanning of the papers of the late author John Mack, will likely conclude within 2 or 3 months. And then I am free. I haven’t told my employer of my plan, but I may once they have added some more board members who would give them a greater sense of stability – a stability which I fear would be rocked if they heard from me that my plans involve leaving in a few months. But as I see it, after I complete the scanning project there is not enough reason to keep me on — not at full time, certainly. And while I could likely continue there in some form, it has become increasingly clear that to do so would simply be to take financial advantage of their hospitality. That isn’t fair to them, and frankly the lack of conclusion isn’t fair to me. Though I fear it terribly, I am coming increasingly to realize that one must create their own resolutions. Funny that resolution both means “an end” and also it means a plan of action. As one workplace ends, another plan will need to be created by me. And at this point I don’t know what that is, other than the idea of relocating to another town in an entirely different part of the country. Reason? To see if I change, I guess. It’s about me. I’ve also started to feel that it would be ok to leave my parents behind in this part of the country while I go out to another part. Both me and my sister have remained geographically close to our parents, as they seem to need a lot of support in the form of being in touch and nearby. But I think they’d also like me to see me live a life too, so, I am feeling a bit more that it would be ok. Though I don’t like the idea of them aging while I’m away!

The towns I am considering are mainly selected for their median ages, all of which are in the mid-30s. I am 36, but better to skew younger I figure.

I have no job prospects known to me in any of those places, as I don’t even like traditional jobs. So it would be a bit of a dare, to see if I could scrap up work of some kind in any of those places. Boulder might have some more organizations that are like minded to me, but then again who can say if that would lead to any job leads? I have a friend who is searching out towns in that state and I’ll hear from that person about what the state is like, but I… I hate to think that I could become entirely alone if I end up in one place (say, Boulder) while she ends up in another (like, Denver). That would be ironic or something, to be nearby but far enough to make it not real. These kinds of situations is why I’ve always found it easier just to ditch all past contacts. I don’t know my high school friends anymore (‘cept one!), and I don’t see my college friends in years (though I still consider them friends, certainly, particularly my housemates…I figure they’ll contact me if they ever need to).

But generally speaking, I don’t tend to view myself as being in relation to another. Problem is, if I am in relation to another, who am I? Would I move to a city because someone else lived there, and if so, am I still living my own life? The boundaries get all fuzzy.

So, existential crisis time as I figure out where I could live.

Of course I’ve seen Seattle and Portland and Vancouver on tv for so many decades (since most tv shows are filed in the pacific northwest) that it feels like I’d at least recognize the place. But on the other hand Boulder looks like it might have a sort of nice arty vibe that would be life-affirming even if one is out of work and running out of money.

Realistically, I should probably wait till my friend moves out to one of those places in Colorado, and then visit both Denver and Boulder to see how either feels. And if neither feel ok, then consider one of those Pacific NW places. Maybe also consult with another friend to find out where she might be moving to. But then again, there’s the blur starting. Arg!

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