I was a total asshole in my dream last night. In this dream a friend of mine from back east (south now) was pregnant with a second child, and because she did not know the man who impregnated her, my neighborhood (parents’ friends, etc) were pressuring me to marry her to help care for the child. Based on the logic that me and her liked each other very much, and, because one person cannot raise two children. But I was not having any of this. To me, I felt like because she was already pregnant with a second child, they were basically saying to me that I did not need to have a child of my own (from my own genetics), but that I was enough of a schmo that I’d devote my life to taking care of someone else’s family. She was in the room when I was being confronted with this, and when I was reacting to it, and she started to cry, and I kept at it, saying “well if you don’t know the guy who impregnated you this time, why not find the guy who impregnated you the first time and marry him? It’d be half dozen of one, six of the other for him.” and she left the room in tears, and then I stormed out too to get away from the neighbors who were pressuring me.
It was a perfect example of how a suggestion can have elements that one reacts to, which the people suggesting it weren’t even aware of. I was reacting to the cutting away of what little manliness I have to contribute to the world — my offspring, but they were only thinking of how I could be a good provider.
This dream actually reflects on a semi-real life situation (semi because it never got to this point) where I’d come to accept that I think I could care for someone with one child, because that — in my mind — still means there’s a potential to have a second child who would be our own in the genetic sense. Even if I never did that, the potential would still be there for me to contribute my offspring to the world.
So this dream ratcheted up the stakes and made me face a situation where I couldn’t add any more kids, at least not in that family (because 2 kids is, in my opinion, the maximum), and I reacted badly.
Escaping from that situation, I had a very nice flying-into-the-sky moment, which I’ve done a few times now. Vibrant blue-white sky, me about thirty feet up, maybe forty, not flying anywhere just getting my breath.
I think this dream was partly triggered by not having heard from K back in MA lately. She used to send pictures of her baby growing up, and I am nervous enough to think that maybe she stopped because she has a reason. Like maybe she’s fallen in love with someone and doesn’t want to sent pics that might make me feel oddly jealous (oddly since I am not there in MA, a fact that I sometimes regret since even now I think of her every week). (But I’d have no job if I was in MA, and I’d probably spiral out of control in depression if I had no job). (So for my health, I like it here, but I have certain regrets that I am not there).
Maybe I should write her and say hello.