I felt sure that I was responsible for making my friend feel nauseous. I believed that she was picking up on subtle, unintended but possibly present cues that conveyed I was keenly aware of her relationship status (recently divorced from her boyfriend) and that this timbre was subliminally making her feel ill.
As it turned out, it was just pms. But, I really had myself convinced I was making her sick. Because I am aware of her situation. When she had a boyfriend, friendship was so easy — granted we only see each other every couple weeks, but, nonetheless, it was easy. I had no other intentions because I am honorable. Of course some nice thoughts still, as always, are present, but, no intentions. That is what friendship is. I still have no overt intentions, but there is, simply by virtue of her situation, some instinct that takes over and says be ready for all potentials. A step or two shy of being proactive, but, nonetheless, potentially offensive.
“I feel like something is about to happen” she told me in the restaurant, as some waves of unease flowed around her, and I remarked on small animals ability to sense earthquakes. But I was also thinking “oh my god, she senses a disturbance in the force! And it feels to her like something awful.”
I too felt nervous and jittery, even though I had no plans to try a change in our relationship — though of course I’ve boasted to my male housemates how I could. My nervousness fell away as I ate, though, while hers remained.
Nonetheless, I wonder if there is some dissipation needed. Maybe I need it. If this were the movies, at some unintended time we’d accidentally throw each other up against a nice soft wall and kiss, and then we’d either go “hm, so that’s evidently not it” or we’d be shocked to discover blindness had been lifted from our eyes. That’s the movies. Not that I am against the whole “up against the wall” thing, it is nicely dramatic. I’d even like to try it just because I am as clueless as the next person about whether I am nervous for a reason, or not. If not for a reason, I’d like to get back to being friends with her without making her nauseous (if indeed, some of her symptoms were from me).
All the above is of course mostly just my inner thought processes, which most people keep in their subconscious but which I tend to elevate. Fact is I can think of a dozen other ways to get our friendship back to normal. A sleepover for example — I mean in separate sleeping bags! — where we can “girl talk” all night, is a solidifying experience. I am tempted to suggest that. Her house — popcorn, movie, and then chattyness. God I am such a girl at heart.
If only her dog could talk — as a mutual friend, he could phone us up (he lives elsewhere now) on a conference call and give his opinion.