Will Bueché

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the skin trade

Posted in Personal by Will on Friday, July 30th, 2004 ~ 6pm

So I’ve got my room clean, and at this point I really should be considering writing up some talking points for the upcoming interview (see blog entry below “chairs chairs chairs”). But I think I do better preparing the day before… or maybe I’m just procrastinating. Either way, I’ve decided today to learn all about makeup. Or rather, today I’ve discovered I don’t know a thing about makeup.

All I want is to get rid of the blue lines under my eyes. Seems a simple enough wish, I mean, they’re not really part of my face, are they? They just show up when I stay up late, and stick around like an uninvited guest.

Since I doubt 3 or 4 nights rest are going to make them go away, I figure, ok, I’ll just get some of that cover up powder pad stuff, dab it on, and see if it makes me look well rested (this allowing me to continue to stay up late).

I remember when I was a teen in the eighties, that powder stuff worked on hiding pimples fairly well – it actually came in a tube and you just dabbed this stick of makeup on. But in the past hour I’ve learned that makeup is more complex than a stick.

First of all, news flash to men: there’s an actual product specifically for getting rid of the blue lines under your eyes. It’s a liquidy goop which is yellow. It claims to balance out the blue, but I can tell you that actually it just paints yellow lines on your skin kind of like you’re engaged in some ritual ceremony. The instructions then say to cover the yellow with another of their products. Ok, yeah, sure…and I bet the back of that next product also says to cover it with another of their products, and so on and so on until you’ve spent all your hard earned cash. No thanks.

So I wash that off, and try the powder pad. There were a few shades to choose from, and I chose pale because I am. But evidently I am not pale on my face, because it doesn’t match at all. However now I know what to do if I ever want to look like I just came back from a ski trip (with reverse-racoon eyes). Looking closer at my face, I realize I have a red nose and red cheekbones, a kind of light green vein going up my forehead, some white frosty hairs on my temples, and my skin at my beardline changes color completely as well (though it’s a bit hard to tell right now under my 10 o’clock shadow).

So I go to another drug store and pick up something a bit darker, figuring if I just extend my sun tanned cheeks up to my eyes, I’ll at least match. Well, the brightness is good but the color is way off…I seem to have bought something intended for asian people judging by the slightly honey hue.

I’ve now spent about $21 on three useless products. I keep thinking how easy this is in Photoshop: set Clone tool on about 50% and sweep it along the skin, and it’s done. But in real life, this application of makeup is not anywhere near as easy.

Unwilling to spend more, I next try mixing some of the makeup together, and find that you can powder your face up to two times before suddenly your skin looks like frost is growing on your tiny facial hair follicles. And I discover you can’t just add water and wipe this stuff off with a tissue. It’s like glued to my face unless I really rub it. Which makes me suspect there’s pronabably a fourth product for sale that lets you remove the makeup. (update: the fourth product is soap).

And when you rub your face to get the makeup off, you temporarily turn your skin red, so you can’t even compare and contrast how you looked with the makeup with how you look without it.

I’m going to try one more makeup shade, a red this time (which would seemingly make no sense, but clearly I know nothing so I may as well make a wild guess) and then I’m going to plan B: get more sleep.

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