Will Bueché

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Random noodlings 2

Posted in Personal by Will on Friday, June 17th, 2005 ~ 11pm

So, the question everyone’s been asking, or if not asking, at least been thinking about while at the water cooler, or standing in line at Starbucks, or in between daydreams: What does Will do when he leaves Kettie’s house at 10pm?

We answer that question tonight, with a minute by minute update of his activities.

Driving home – eats one and a half more brownies while driving. Concern that this much sugar might do bad things to him, he eats slowly and drives extra carefully, all the while thinking he’s probably driving a bit erratically. Expects cop to pull him over or at least watch him, but none do. The brownies, by the way, are not pot brownies.

Sees many couples standing on sidewalk kissing while passing through Davis Square. Nice. And they’re very still, I notice.

Arrives home. As unlocking the door notices that the reflection in the glass of the door makes it look like a midget is standing on the other side of the glass, but it is in fact only a reflection of a white shopping bag.

Enters, throws remaining half of brownie and watermelon into fridge, heads to rest room but notices door shut and housemate inside. Brushing teeth will have to wait.

Heads upstairs to room. While walking upstairs considers writing blog about what he is doing. Notices scent of Kettie lingering on his cheek.

Enters bedroom, turns on computer, sits down.

Releases pent-up gassious emission. Notices that air filter is already running in room. “Good job, air filter!” he thinks. Wonders if other people praise appliances too. Considers that this internal monologue is derivative of tv show “Scrubs” but much, much less funny.

Connects to net, logs into blog and starts typing. Simultaneously opens up two other windows to check mail, and check Home Theatre Forum to see how other DVD afficianados are enjoying the secret sale at Deep Discount DVD (at which he spent $50 this morning).

Briefly picks, er, scrapes inner surface of nose. But ever so gently, and briefly, and no one was looking. Applies hand sanitizer.

Recalls need to brush teeth. With that much brownie sugar, will need to brush teeth for sure.

Kettie said she felt more like herself when she was with me, which was a good thing…

…gasseous emission. Ok, air filter, you’ve got your job cut out for you.

…and I wondered a bit about how I felt — do I also feel more like myself when I am with her? I do, but it is an interesting question because the “self” I am with most of the time is the “solitary self”, which is is not active when I am with her, but rather is active when I am typing at my blog for example. Also, when I am alone I don’t ever hear my own voice, at least not aloud. So I feel like I am discovering some of myself when I am with her.

These parts of myself are new to me, and as I told her today I am still a bit insecure about these aspects of myself. Though she assured me not to worry, and that message is going straight into my subconscious tonight. I sometimes feel a bit like I need to impress her, or go above-and-beyond in some way. But she’s never given me that instruction, it is all just my feeling out my self, my coming to learn how I am with her, how she responds, how we together respond.

I feel we are still in the beginning of knowing how we respond – maybe 20 to 30 percent into each other in that sense of knowing each other’s responses so far. Or empathizing. Or linking mentally, or whatever one calls it. We’re at the start of that. And it’s been nice so far, and I am impatient to feel more of it.

Mostly what I like best about being over there with her is how natural so much of it is. Knees touching under a dining table is as natural – maybe even MORE natural – than clutching each other during a tense tv show. It is really, really nice. Those moments, yes, I am myself. Completely. I know it. I know me. And I like it.

And I felt a bit guilty about how horny I felt today, not because it is wrong to feel erotic, but because I felt like a typical dumb guy today rather than the brilliant guy I usually am. I think it is true that we get dumber the more testosterone is in our systems.

Anyway I resisted the urge to thrown her down and instead we watched tv. Was the right thing to do as we were both tired. I think some of the horniness is actually just this impatience to feel and know the other person’s reactions and perceptions and personality completely. I hunger for her personality, to know more about it, to know all about it. I think sex is like a Cliff’s Notes way we learn about people’s personalities, their interior motivations, everything that makes them who they are now.

Oh my, does that apply to me to? I was just thinking in terms of the woman. But does my way in bed also say things about me? I guess it does, I never really thought about that. Huh.

Ok, this blog has rambled on long enough. 11:18 and time to do a bit more surfing and then off to brush my teeth and sleep. To rejoin Kettie tomorrow night or evening.

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