Synopsis: An immature boy FBI agent gets transfered to the part of the FBI where the freaky-freaks live and fight crime, cheif amongst them Hellboy himself, a red skinned behemoth spawned in hell but raised in the USA. The immature FBI agent attempts to flirt with Hellboy’s ex-girlfriend, and Hellboy fights a bunch of lizard-dogs. The end.
The synopsis should convey my impression of the depth of this film, so I’ll skip the formal review and I’ll just say you can chalk this one up as $20 wasted. I paid $20 because I wanted to see the director’s cut, not the theatrical short version that is for rent. So be assured that when I dismiss this film as a superficial treatment of what might or might not be a superficial comic series (can’t tell from this film), I’m dismissing the definitive cut of the film.
The immature FBI agent is what bothers me most about this film. This film does a disservice to the genre of comic book films by making absolutely clear that the comic book views of male/female relationships are often incredibly uninformed, if not outright imaginary. Just because a female character EXISTS doesn’t mean she’d put up with his flirtations, EVEN IF, as in the case here, she’d been in a mental ward for a long time. And didn’t it occur to him that it wouldn’t be wise to date a co-worker, particularly when her ex is an eight foot tall walking brick wall? The completely unrealistic attempts at writing relationships for these characters makes the film fail, and fail hard. That, and too many lizard dogs.
Two blogs written by others, from elsewhere, deserve reprint here. First is an editorial from WatchingtheWatchers.org, followed by the now classic editorial (or is it a mission statement?) from FucktheSouth.com :
Elitist? Yeah. That’s Okay, We’re Smarter
November 22nd, 2004 : Filed by ~A!
You know what I’m tired of? I’m tired of people accusing us of thinking we’re smarter than they are because we’re liberals. I’m tired of them constantly throwing around the words “Liberal Elite” as if it actually meant something. Most of all, I’m tired of them talking about intelligence like it’s a bad thing, constantly using it to malign people who are, generally speaking, actually smarter than they are.
So I’m just going to come out and say it. Yeah, we’re smarter than these neo-con trash bags. Why are we smarter than they are? Well gee, let me count the ways.
1. WE know that someone else’s sex life isn’t important to ours, and that if two guys or two gals want to get married, it makes no difference in our ‘normal’ relationships. People who think someone else’s marriage hurts their own are stupid, period.
2. WE demand proof before we run off on a tangent. Where are those weapons of mass destruction again, Mr. President? Where’s that link to collusion between Al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein? What’s that, you say John Kerry faked his injuries? Prove it. If you can’t prove it and you espouse it, you’re stupid.
3. WE understand that eight years of economic prosperity under a president is not destroyed by a fucking blowjob. We understand that a lie that doesn’t get anyone killed is less reprehensible than one that kills thousands of American soldiers, who happen to be our brothers, fathers, sisters, mothers and cousins too. If you think Clinton’s lie about getting a blow job is worse than President Bush constantly lying about Iraq for the last three years, you’re stupid.
4. WE believe in reality, where real actions have real consequences. We do not believe some invisible man in the clouds appointed Bush president. No, that was the Supreme Court. And FYI, he’s still not a legitimate fucking president, in my opinion, because he was never elected in the first fucking place.
5. We know that there is more going on than simply this starkly contrasted black and white universe our government and the mainstream media foist on us on a daily basis. We not only understand nuance, we understand it isn’t a dirty word.
And yeah, we know war is a necessary evil sometimes, and most of us supported the war in Afghanistan because of that knowledge. We also know that war without purpose is evil. That is a very, very simple thing. Lying to bring a country to war is almost as heinous a crime as killing civilians on American soil.
So yeah, we’re smarter than you are, because you don’t check your facts. If you believe what Ann Coulter says without looking it up, you’re stupid. If you believe Rush, whether you look it up or not, you’re probably stupid.
And if you’re Bill O’Reilly, you’re not only stupid, you’re a sick power hungry asshole, too.
Fuck the South. Fuck ’em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they’d stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves – yeah, those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We’re the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?
Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn’t bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?
No, No. Get the fuck out. We’re not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don’t get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately “Oooooh I’ve been a state for almost a hundred years” dickheads. Fuck off.
Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What’s more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don’t think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn’t be so fucking arrogant if I wasn’t paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.
All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you’re the ones who built on a fucking swamp. “Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole,” we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.
The next dickwad who says, “It’s your money, not the government’s money” is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least… can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherfucker, they’re red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.
Let’s talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we’re-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.
But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you’re ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that’s ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we’re fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you’re fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that’s a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don’t talk about religion as much as you because we’re not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you’re too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain’t us up here in the North, assholes.
Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.
And no, you can’t have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.
I just had my eyes checked because even with my rather thin eyeglasses, the world has been blurry lately, starting from about five feet out and continuing out about – and this is a rough estimate — continuing out into the depth of infinite space. Most noticeable when trying to watch tv.
Although I say it was “the world” that has been blurry, in fact I overcame that ego-based assumption about four years ago when I first realized I needed glasses, so again today I went for an eye checkup on the assumption that the problem was again, a problem with my own eyes.
Good news and, well, really it was all fine news unless you’re a fretful sort like I can be.
In which case I heard some frightening remarks about how the depth of my “macula” (the scoop at the very back of your eye where your central vision, your detail vision, is resolved) is a bit bigger or deeper than most people’s — and therefore more at risk than other people’s eyes if and when I ever experience any problems. Not quite sure why that would be, but evidently if I ever developed extra pressure in my eyes, my eyesight would be permanantly damaged more rapidly than other people’s. Or maybe it was that the optic nerve connected to the back of that scoop would be more quickly damaged. Either way, it sounded like it would suck.
Good news was I am pretty sure she mentioned that after my glasses prescription was fixed I should have 20/15 vision. 20/15 vision is better than 20/20. I always thought 20/20 was perfect vision, that’s the ratio that is famous, but actually that’s not so! 20/10 is considered the best most primo vision one could hope to be born with, and 20/20 is what most folks are born into and is thought of as the defacto standard. I guess they don’t promote the “20/10” bit much so as to prevent the majority of the world from getting jealous and rising up in revolution against the 20/10s.
20/15 is better than most even if it isn’t the ultimate. So I’d be pleased to have that. I’ll probably be spared when the revolution comes, particularly since that would be my vision after putting on a pair of glasses, not before.
Anyway I was thinking, if she really said that my vision would be back to 20/15, does that mean that all my life I have had better than average vision, and now what I consider to be blurry, unsatisfactory vision is what other people consider to be normal????
I could muse about this more if I was sure she said 20/15. Because if on the other hand she said my vision would be “15/20,” well that’s not good vision at all, that’s the wrong direction, that’s in the bad direction. I think she didn’t say that, but I could be wrong.
I think she said 20/15. So I’ll just assume that, and consider that to be good news.
Unfortunately (and leave it to me to find the unfortunate aspect of this) even if my vision will be 20/15 once my replacement glasses are ready, my vision still won’t be as perfect as when I was younger. Today, due to age I guess, even perfectly focused things have a hairline “out of focus” superimposition over them (caused, my eye doctor told me today, by my eyes lenses not being perfectly spherical anymore – thanks to gravity they’re more oval now, which means that the light which converges upon my retina converges in two spots, rather than the ideal of 1. One spot of light is perfectly focused, the other is just a fuzzy artifact, just enough off from the other to make a detail minded person say “what the freak is that haloe?”. I should be grateful that it is barely noticeable… it really is only noticeable when I am looking at a monitor, doing graphics where I am looking at things pixel-by-pixel, or looking at text. Unfortunately, my work tends to involve looking at things pixel-by-pixel or text on a screen. So while this would be good news if I climbed trees for coconuts all day, it is still only a “satisfactory” result for a person who works on a monitor doing graphics.
I should be happy. But I still feel like I’m on a slippery slope to blindness.
Why the hell are you reading this blog? Man, sometimes a blog is just a diary.
My XP Media Center’s SP2’s ability to boot up properly and recognize its hard drives
properly is impaired, after a disasterous attempt to resize a partition left
me with my documents and my programs intact (yay!), but my boot
system and recovery system and other system stuff lost in the
Nevermind about the request for help; I’ve started the process of recovering (i.e. formatting) the C and D drives anew. Sleep may get me before I’m done… but in a few days she should be back up as new as before.