Will Bueché

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Avril Ballerina

Posted in Personal by Will on Saturday, March 26th, 2005 ~ 7pm

An Avril Lavigne calendar hangs in my apartment’s kitchen. In my housemates’ opinions, it isn’t simply for laughs as I claim. They may be right, who can say. Last night my subconscious sent me a dream in which I worked for not zero, not one, but two different television stations, and both were paging me to get me to go record an interview with Avril Lavigne, who was staying in town and would be leaving soon. In fact she’d called one station saying I should come over there quickly. But so now in this dream I was in a bind, because apparently neither station knew I worked for the other, so if I was going to turn in two separate interviews with Avril for broadcast the same night in the same town, well, someone was bound to notice. And on a trivial note the times of my appointments for both interviews weren’t even convenient to one another. But that was a small point next to my wondering if I’d have to wear a bag on my head for one of the interviews to keep from being recognized. So anyway I go over to the hotel where Avril is staying and well, she ends up showing off how much she can stretch like a ballerina, and well within minutes we’re wet and nasty with one another and I really can’t worry about the interviews, can I? So the dream turned out well for me, maybe not so well for my imagined career, and certainly not for the two imaginary television stations.

On reflection, this is a dream about knowing what you want to pursue in life, and knowing that your dedication to what you pursue outweights (or continues beyond) your place or station of employment in life. The workplace may change or be difficult or just plain weird, but what is at heart remains true. Also, ballerinas stretch nicely and are enticing when they do.

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Someone in your senses

Posted in Personal by Will on Friday, March 18th, 2005 ~ 4pm

Y’ever have one of those days when someone is in your senses? Heart-senses mostly, but also in the mind? Today I had a really brief phone call with someone I know, and I was very abrupt with her, just catching her up on some stuff, and then I needed to run – I was thirsty, very tired, and just generally exactly the opposite of how I was feeling the rest of the day: that this person was one of my best friends. The awareness of this fact was echoing through my soul for the rest of the day as I went shopping (Goodwill – found a little cd shelf that matches my other ones for under three bucks). Someone who not only appreciates a similar philosophical mental process as I enjoy, but also shares a groundedness that I find missing in others. Actually, I wouldn’t say that either I nor her are very “grounded” (she is more than me, through exercise, surely), but rather she knows how important it is for moments of physicality to remind us that we can make the most of this physical realm. That sounds like I’m speaking of the carnal stuff that comes with Spring, and to an extent I am, but I am not speaking of the sex itself, I am speaking of the sense that comes during it – that we are souls trapped in this physical world, and in the dance of destruction and creation that we call sex, we accept it (our physical bounds) while also knowing that we surpass it in most every way. Surpass it not in any way you’d notice, if you say had a videocamera aimed at it, but… hmm, I’ve exceeded my knowledge here. I should probably read up on tantric principles or something. Because I am not sure that we actually exceed our physical bounds when we have sex. Maybe we’re more like flies banging our heads against glass windows trying to be free. Maybe sex is sharing in the feeling of being trapped, letting down defenses while knowing we’re prisoners in a security pen. I don’t know. Maybe I should have some more to try to figure it out. I do know that sex helps balance out the spiritual.

But dominating this echo of recognition of how much I value my friend, there was the sense that there is someone who recognizes the world and our needs in the world (both spiritual and physical – both sides of the spectrum) in a way that is so similar to my own that we should, by all rights, be family (not to say that we don’t have a huge wealth of differences, that is true as well). Of course I can’t actually be family to her, marriage is not in my future with her (that spectrum I spoke of also needs a whole bunch of compatibility in the middle: shared sense of spirit and physical aren’t enough – practical considerations come up in the middle). But nonetheless, this feeling of appreciating that someone shares these two aspects of self is very strong today.

I’m now looking over these paragraphs and wondering if my view of sex is really wrong. Hm… Is sex not meant to be like prisoners sharing a sense of being trapped, and mutally trying to rise above the prison? That doesn’t sound too healthy, does it? I keep thinking of Callisto on Xena saying that sex in her view is a trick: “Love is a trick that nature plays on us to get us to reproduce.” She said love, but she was just being polite in her wording.

I really should read up on tantra. For all I know, perhaps the body is viewed as a prison in that philosophy, and the ecstasy that is thought to connect one with god is indeed the way of rising above it. But I think my view tinges the body with a bit more despair than is likely in that philosophy. Not sure.

Ok, it’s a few minutes later and I’m inclined to think that the very despair which I associate with physical life is also what makes heroes so appealing. I was thinking of Xena Warrior Princess (due to my use of the Callisto quote above) and I realized that the very sense of helplessness that comes with the physical world (i.e. the way we age and die, get diseases, and generally fall apart) is also why heros like Xena and Batman are sure powerful (and respected, by me) figures or archetypes: because they change things in the physical world. Also let me give a shout out to architects. They change things in the physical world, which is probably the hardest realm to change things in. The physical world is SLOW. We rely on concepts of heroes who can change things quickly, and on art, which transposes a fanciful concept of reality and makes it seem briefly to be real, to assure us that the physical world is not always as crappy as it often is.

Maybe in sex we realize that we (at least two people…ideally three so one can rest) are not all crappy. We have the power to change how we feel in dramatic, hormone induced ways. And sure it fades away, but like art we prove for a few minutes that the physical world can change thanks to the efforts of heroes (heroes being the people having sex). That sounds kinda positive, I’ll try to remember that next time. Sex = heroism.

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Cookie brain rope

Posted in Personal by Will on Sunday, March 13th, 2005 ~ 11pm

Recently I’ve become enamored of Pepperidge Farm Soft Baked Chocolate Chip & Macadamia Nuts cookies. It’s exactly the wrong thing to be eating, but, I keep thinking of the words of a personal trainer who said to listen to what your body is asking for, and sometimes, sometimes, indulge in it. I am probably misinterpreting her advice.

Anyhow, as I ate cookie after cookie, soley for the flavor and texture, not for the (lack of) nutrition, it occurred to me that eating in this fashion is kind of like climbing up a rope. Eating is not the still activity that it appears to be. Eating is motion. But odder still, it is motion with flavor. Motion isn’t usually associated with flavor.

But that’s what eating cookies is. You are shoveling cookie after cookie into your mouth, and the cookies in sequence are like a rope which you are climbing up, and you’re climbing up it because of its flavor. And you are climbing using your tongue…which is a muscle after all.

If one took this further, one might wonder, why can’t we taste with our hands, and if we could, would we have different flavored vines to climb up? Or if we’d lost that inclination to climb, would handrails on staircases (at malls, for example) be in different flavors? Go down the tangerine staircase and up the orange escalator? Also, would people be less overweight, since they’d get a similar taste sensation from touching that they currently only get by shoveling food into their mouths to their bellys?

Lastly, I wonder if I am thinking about this because years of typing on keyboards has lessened my touch sensation. Perhaps a part of my brain usually dealing with taste is attempting to bolster the sensory processing of what my hands are providing. And it may even be leading me to eat cookies, to compensate for a lack of hand sensation. Just a possibility. Actually I think my hands are pretty much ok – it is probably as much the dry winter air making my skin less responsive as it is any carpal tunnel.

M. Ward song Helicopter: Matrix interpretation

Posted in Personal by Will on Friday, March 11th, 2005 ~ 2pm

An article about singer/songerwriter M. Ward reports that he says his lyrics are inspired by older works of fiction and poetry. “Some modern fiction really annoys me,” he said. “It’s too rapped up in the singular image or it’s too post-post-modern. It’s hard for me to get involved in it.”

Which makes me wonder why he was writing about the first Matrix film when he wrote the lyrics for “Helicopter.” Maybe he wrote in the references unconsciously.

The song Helicopter begins as the Matrix begins, with the camera and Ward both tracking along the side of a building, “I am somewhere in the city, I am climbing up a fire escape”…where we are introduced to Trinity “I have got to save my baby from the mess this world has made”…who saves herself by flinging herself through a small window “I arrive through a window, I leave through a hole in the wall” – the latter part perhaps flashing forward to when the whole Matrix gang escapes through a hole in the wall (the “wetwall” of the building’s bathroom).

Just in case these Matrix references are too vague, enter the refrain which depicts Trinity’s helicopter escapade, complete with her escape via rope: “Helicopter, helicopter let your long rope down, let us sway into the sunset, I have done all that I can do in this town.”

Of course Ward’s homage to the Matrix would not be complete without noting that the world of the Matrix is an illusion, and – though I can’t quite make out the lyrics – Ward sings something about “Helicopter has taken the breaking of this dreaming spell”. To borrow a comment from Morpheus, Now do you believe?

Of course I am leaving out a couple lines which don’t seem to relate to the Matrix, but there’s not many of those, it is a pretty sparse song. Altogether, this song always seemed to be asking for a Matrix music video to be edited to it. No, I am not going to do that. But someone should.

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